Becoming Your Own Queen of Confidence with Erika Cramer
Get your flameproof suit ready because this episode is jam-packed with fire (and a ton of curse words). This is the story of how a Latina rose from struggle to strength, in order to find impassioned purpose in teaching womxn how to harness confidence to make the boldest moves of their lives. When it comes to really cool, really powerful womxn, people who have a message, who are willing to take up space, who are willing to truly use the vessel, the megaphone of every inch of their being to share that message, Erika is the embodiment of it.
After overcoming a life full of trauma, physical and sexual abuse, near-death experiences, breaking her back and being widowed, Erika Cramer found herself drowning in pain and sadness trying to numb everything she had been through. These life-changing experiences finally lead her to life coaching where she went on a deep path to personal growth and healing.
As a confidence coach, she is here to guide womxn to live a life where they seek progress, not perfection. She is taking a bold stand for womxn owning their throne and reclaiming their confidence.
Some Topics That We Cover:
- How confidence is a byproduct of self-love
- We’re scared shitless most of the time, and that’s okay
- It’s okay to doubt yourself, as long as you push through it
- There’s a real difference between confidence and arrogance
- Erika’s five steps to confidence building
- How your worst moments can be turned into your strength
- The status quo doesn’t serve us, and there are many reasons why
- How to use your social platform to speak up, regardless of the haters
- Leave your judgments at the door, they don’t benefit you
Where to Find Erika:
Podcast – The Confidence Chronicles
YouTube – The Confidence Chronicles
Erika’s Bali Retreat
Read the Full Podcast Transcript Below
Click Me to Open!
Angela: Hello everybody, it is me Angela Gallo and you are tuning into my podcast Slaying The Status Quo in Total Fucking Style. An audio sensory feast that I have curated explicitly to celebrate every girl, woman, and non-binary powerhouse impacting the world, changing their communities and doing a heap of good simply by showing up as their most expressed selves and challenging the status quo. So buckle up, hold on to your womb, your panties or whatever the hell it is you’re wearing including your birthday suit because it’s going to be one hell of a ride.
Hello everybody, it is me Ange Genz! Yes, that was actually my nickname in high school. Do not ask me why. Okay, I’ll tell you, it was because I smoked a little bit too much weed but we won’t go there.
I am here today on episode numero uno with Erika from America. A.K.A the Queen, yass Queen of Confidence. The dear friend of mine, the Puerto Rican powerhouse, the Queen of Alliteration Domination right by my side. The Fuego under my ass. I am just so excited for her to be here today because this is a specific topic that is near and dear to my heart and I’m going to tell you guys why after I introduce her properly.
Erika is originally from America. That’s literally her nickname Erika from America. Although, I feel like that just does no fucking justice to who she is, and she has one hell of a story. I’ve also just bought the rights to write her a biopic and her book, just telling you all right now. When it comes to really cool, really powerful bitches, women, people who have a message, who are willing to take up space, who are willing to truly use the vessel, the megaphone of every inch of their being to share that message, Erika is the freaking embodiment of it.
I want to introduce you all to her as yes, the Queen of Confidence, but who she is as the person, as the heartbeat behind what it is she discusses, and how passionate she is about making sure that every single person whether they’re women identifying as, non identifying as, non binary, queer, trans, it doesn’t matter. If you are a woman who is looking to come back to themselves, to their body, to create a sense of self-awareness and a practice of confidence that actually does propel you to stellar new heights, she is the person you want to learn from.
Without further ado, let us welcome. Erika.
Erika: My goodness you’re already making me cry. We haven’t even started. Are you guys ready for this shit? Holy hell.
Angela: They were born ready. They’re here because they wanted to hear exactly what it is we need to chat about today. Thank you so much for being here today. As you know what I discuss and what the purpose of this podcast is, is to really give a legs up, heads up to all of the bad babes around the world, challenging the status quo and really making waves doing nothing else but being the most brazen, bold, on fire version of themselves. Obviously, you’ve got those boxes ticked.
For people who have no flipping idea who it is you are and what it is you do, why don’t you go ahead and take this stage, take up this space and fill everybody in.
Erika: As Angela said, I’m Erica from America, and really you’re right, it doesn’t describe shit. It just rhymes. I said it’s so damn much living in Australia because clearly, I’m not Australian. I’ve been here for nine years. I am a confidence coach which basically is a life coach, and I work with women on how to reclaim their confidence, stand in their power, stop giving a fuck what people think about them. Be fully expressed and be who they are in the moment, not be themselves because who the fuck is yourself? You’re constantly evolving and changing. It’s like being ok with yourself. No filter needed, no having to care, look over your shoulder if it’s safe or not to be. You came here to be.
My goal, my intention is just to really shine back what’s possible when you stand in who the fuck you are, and you go, “Fuck it. This is me. I’m here. Turn it up, crank the bass and the fucking treble speakers up and I don’t give a fuck what you think or not. I’m here for me”. That’s my goal is to do that with women. I meet with people one on one, zoom, phone coaching, I have a group, I have a podcast as well as you know. We just want to shake people up.
Angela: First of all, I feel like you literally cannot exist on this planet and tell me that you are living the fullest expression of yourself, that you are breathing the fullest potential of yourself, if you do not have that self-reverence if you do not have that confidence for yourself. When we talk about the state of the world, the state of society, the interactions, the relationships, the connections we have, the inherent ways that we are suffering in ways that are actually really quite avoidable. I feel that getting confidence and love back into the bodies of women and people is key. If you truly can sit within yourself and love yourself, confidence is a byproduct.
Confidence is the thing that happens when you are so solidly anchored in your convictions when you are just oozing courage, when you just know within the deepest part of your bones that you are definitely living on purpose. Confidence is that thing. What you talk about is that people chase confidence as if it’s only something that’s reserved for the skinny girls and the influencers with the green tea, and the pretty ones and the white ones. What has been the biggest challenge for you reframing that, because it’s probably one of the biggest myths to dispel?
Erika: Huge. Women are listening going, “Oh fuck but how do I do that? How do I stand in that?” Sometimes it looks like you don’t for so long. Like, you’re dead to yourself, because it’s not like you just put on your confidence pants from Amazon.com, confidence times five, and here it is in my house, express delivery and now we own it. Nobody owns this shit.
This is something that is available to the brave, the bold, the fucking fierce. We’ve been scared. We’ve doubted ourselves. We’ve fallen down, we’ve gotten back up. We fucking have shit on our face and wounds, and we’re bleeding, and we’re like, “Fuck it. Let’s go again. Let’s do it.” I like to demystify confidence because people think it’s for some and not for all. Or easy for you Angela, you’ve got sixty thousand followers. You’re so brave. I’m sure you hear it, we hear it time and time again.
“Easy for you to be sexual and reclaim your rebirth of motherhood. I’m here with all my kids and I’m exhausted”. Honey, we know what that is like. We know what trauma is, we know what all of this adversity is and through that is how we became this way.
Angela: People will often misinterpret what the word confident even means, and so let’s just make something clear here. Confidence is not the thing that the white privileged rich person who is an asshole who grew up into wealth is. That’s not confidence. That’s self-entitlement. That’s arrogance. It’s dick headery.
Confidence can only come from the coattails of being burnt alive by the world and looking fearlessness in the eye and still being like, “Wow I survived that”. That’s where confidence is born. Confidence is born in surviving 100 percent of the time despite literally thinking you’re going to die every single time, and recognizing your power within that and giving yourself props. That’s where confidence is born.
Now if we look at every single huge issue right now in terms of a paradigm shift, patriarchal, misogynistic, the ways women have been oppressed and self oppressed. The ways that you know we’re virtually trying to erase marginalized communities. All of the ways that we’re trying to stamp out individuals, this is all possible because, spoiler alert we have literally handed over our personal power and our confidence to a world that said, “Sorry but your confidence actually threatens our grand plan of taking over. It’s actually safer if you give it to us”. We gave it to them voluntarily and now we’re all stuck in a bind that’s zero self-worth and trying to buy it back from Maybelline. We’re at this really big crux of if we want the world to change, we literally need to take back our confidence and our power. There is no other way.
Confidence comes exactly from what you say, Erika. Your five steps. The ability to create, the ability to be courageous, the ability to be creative, the ability to show up, and the ability to make an impact and change lives. To scale your business, and be the philanthropist and the person you’ve always wanted to be, simply by believing in yourself. So if I were to ask you through your whole life, through everything that you have lived, what catalyst of moments really defined what confidence means for you now?
Erika: It takes me back to the time I was 12 years old and I grew up in foster care. My mom was bipolar, a single mother, my dad left when I was two. He ended up kidnapping me, and then I went back with my mother again, foster care, mental hospitals, that’s how I kind of grew up. I remember being 12 years old, and I was standing outside of the projects with my homegirl Tatiana who was like super tall and she literally raised me. She was like the sister I never had. When my mom left and went to the hospital, she was kind of the one that gave me her parenting skills as a friend. She always looked after me.
Now I was outside sitting on this ledge and I had a lot of rage back then, and I screamed out. I scratched my neck from my chin all the way down to my chest. I’ll never forget that. It was like a rage scream like, “Fuck! I’m fucked already. Isn’t this enough for me?” As a kid, I was really angry at God or whoever. I didn’t know what I believed, and I was just angry. I remember that moment because I was like, “I’ve had enough. I give up. I’m done. You win. I don’t give a fuck. I’m going to go be a drug addict. I’m going to go fuck my life up, and I’m not going for any of this shit I wanted”.
I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to be a performer. I always knew I would be on stage in some capacity, and I remember at that moment giving up. But something like my higher self, my higher different dimensional being was like holding me up like a coat hanger going, “I know you think you fell off this fucking platinum Swarovski hot pink coat hanger. I know you’re hanging off those bullshit threads that people cut off their dresses because they’re so fucking annoying those threads, but we got you. Your fucking buttons are scraping the ground and you’re dirty but we got you. You’re not falling.” I consciously wanted to just be done, yet the next day here I am again trying to go for what I wanted.
I feel like that’s how it’s been my whole life. I’m defeated in my head but my body, my higher self, my spirit, whoever is going, “No. We’ve got work to do. Let’s keep going”. It’s like I’ve been guided by a higher thing. What is that thing, because I have to give it up to that thing. I didn’t have God, I didn’t have dad, I didn’t have cousins or brothers or sisters. Who was it? There was no money, so something wouldn’t let me. My mind had given up. Every time I had to give up because I couldn’t intellectualize any of it. The victim pattern in my head and being at the effect of my life was just like, “Let me give up,” but then my body continued to just put itself out there and do its thing, and got me to where it got to.
So I think that in these series of like with my mom, and the abuse, and then my husband, and then this, it was just like I figured out ways to cope. Especially when my husband died. That was like delete. Control alt delete. Let me not deal with this because I had made it mean that if I cried a lot I’m going to go crazy like my mom. When her dad died she cried a lot and she got bipolar. That’s what she told me as a kid. That’s what I filtered. So when <Gio> died I was like, “Oh, if I cry a lot and I deal with it…” How the fuck do you deal with death right? You don’t deal with it. It becomes a part of how you live. I couldn’t deal with it so I deleted it so that I could protect myself from getting a mental illness. That’s how I did it in my head. It’s crazy.
Angela: Erika first of all – mind-blowing. This is exactly why I need to write your book. Secondly, I just want to reiterate for the audience so that they understand what it is you’ve just said in a nutshell. The catalyst, the moments in which the concept of confidence and the cultivation of confidence was actually born after feelings of defeat. Like, “That’s it. I’m dead. I’m done,” and then something unbeknownst to you, who knows, we all call it different things. I call it the true self, picks you back up and like, “Yo we have work to do”. That’s where the confidence was born for you. So this repeatedly over, and over, and over again amounted to you just falling into this work? Or what took you into the work you are doing right now?
Erika: I did a podcast this morning myself about how the fuck this came to be. I started out as a hairdresser. I ended up going to hairdressing school, so I always had this internal thing that I didn’t know I cared about people. I remember telling my husband, “Honey I actually give a fuck about these people like I’m for real”. Because there was a point where I was I mean in high school, and I was racist and trying to fight with the white girls, and I was just angry. I was an angry fucking little Puerto Rican with a bunch of shit pent up.
I didn’t know better but I was there as a hairdresser and I actually cared about humanity. It was an epiphany to me that I was genuine. I wanted to help humanity and it was through me coming to Australia. I left this guy that I came to Australia for and I ended up working for a hairdressing company. I loved making people feel good and I wasn’t doing hairdressing anymore, I was doing more like team management and like culture and people kind of stuff. Everybody thought I was a stylist because I would wear chunky necklaces and I like to be decked out. Someone said to me, “You should be a stylist.” So I started doing styling on the side and I realized that every woman I had met was like. “I’m not good enough. My body is not good enough. I look fat in this. I don’t know what I’m wearing,” So I’m like, “Fuck it. I’m not fully fulfilled. I like making people feel good. Let’s do this”.
I started running events with women talking about their body shape and how to dress for their body shape, which this bullshit about rules, I couldn’t handle the boxes that we were putting women into. It doesn’t matter what color you are, or what kind of fruit your body is like, come on. This is deeper. I was running these workshops with champagne and nobody was doing this, and I was like, “This is great. It’s a community, it’s a conversation, it’s keeping it real,” and then I realized that it didn’t matter if you had Kim Kardashian’s makeup artist or had Gucci dress you from head to toe, when you look in the mirror and you go, “I hate myself. I’m not pretty. I’m not good enough,” I think there’s a problem on the inside. I had an epiphany in the shower when my baby was three months and we bought a new car. We had no money, and no work and there was like crazy scarcity situation going on and I was like, “You know what, I’m not going back to my 90K a year job at L’Oreal. I am going to do confidence coaching.” And the response was amazing. Then the more I started to play with my own confidence…that in itself was huge for me actually. We had just had our second baby, bought a very expensive car that we shouldn’t have done and moved out of his parents’ house. We were trying to save money for a house. But this was me stepping into my own confidence and backing myself when even my husband was perhaps questioning it.
Angela: I want to lick your brain. I just want to really honor the fact in our area that you are a Latino who came from a literal hellhole of an upbringing. This is for real I want everyone listening to understand this right. You’re a woman of color, Latino who literally grew up in a situation that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. I will redirect everyone to please go listen to Erika’s own podcast The Queen Of Confidence <link> where she discusses her own story and her life lessons series. You have created something out of adversity, out of struggle.
You’ve turned every single one of those things to strength, and you have looked at every single moment of defeat, destruction, overwhelm, breaking down to your knees, the literal clawing at your face, and you coming to life, backing yourself and marrying the Sri Lankan man who is the total opposite of every other dude you’ve ever dated. You create this life here in a different country, you make little mocha latte babies, you take every chance to back yourself and be persistent. With no money, with nothing but belief in yourself and this is what I want everyone to understand. It doesn’t matter where you come from or what you do.
This has nothing to do with luck, it has to do with confidence. It’s your story and it’s why you have earned the rights to sell and teach what it is you know because that’s what confidence is. Confidence is literally everything you are and what you learned living those things.
Erika: We talk about these things happening to us or happening for us. You have no choice. You and I have talked about your background in your life, and what you’ve been through, and you have no choice. You don’t know you can get through it until you’re in it. When I look at confidence, it’s like your ability to take action while you’re shitting your pants. Like, “I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m so doubting, but there is no other way”. Like, you went walking and the whole path behind you is on fire so you can only go that way. So you have to, because what else do you do. There’s nothing else. And if it doesn’t kill you, then you’re like, “Oh, I didn’t die. I’m okay. Cool”. Then people think you’re so confident, but it’s just a choice that you keep walking, or you stop and you get caught up and burned in your fire.
I remember when we had our miscarriage and I remember being in the hospital and looking at my husband I cried because we’re at the hospital. I said to my husband, “I’m so grateful that this has happened because now I can connect to women who have miscarried, and he just looked at me like, “Are you fucking for real”. It wasn’t from my head. That came from who knows where. It was like a blessing. You could look at this as “poor me,” or you could look at it as a new community of people you can talk to and you’ll win.
Every “bad thing,” that happens I just go, “Great, now I can talk to foster kids, now I can talk to the widows, and I can talk to abused people,” it just opens you up.
Angela: Confidence is a byproduct of when you look at every single thing, story, situation, cards you’re dealt and say, “Okay, what’s the lesson and the gift here. Within yourself there’s a greater, deeper and more expansive understanding that things are not happening to you, they’re happening for you. Confidence is quite literally the act of proving yourself wrong. Confidence happens from proving yourself wrong. Every single time you are lacking self-confidence, “I can’t do this. I’m not good enough. I could never make this happen,” and then you go and do the damn thing, and you’re like “Fuck. Okay. I was wrong”. That’s where that confidence is born. Then what happens is it creates and becomes a practice every time you prove yourself right using that same practice.
What is the most profound explanation you could give us, as to why is it imperative that women and people really place focus on creating a practice of confidence? Why do you think it’s imperative in the way they live their lives, in the ways their mother, and parent, the way they show up in their businesses? Why is confidence and why is showing people how to cultivate confidence of utmost importance?
Erika: I think one of the biggest things when I look at what confidence means to me like the dictionary belief, is the belief in your powers and abilities. Confidence that you have powers, you have abilities and the belief that you have them. Every human being has unlimited potential. We have unlimited potential as the human species. We are so advanced it’s amazing, but here’s the kicker. If you don’t believe that you have the ability, if your belief is not there, the belief in yourself is everything.
How you think about yourself is everything. How you think about the person in the mirror will depict how you feel, how you move…
Angela: And how people perceive you by the way.
Erika: Of course. Girl don’t get me started on that. How you think about yourself, do you think you have unlimited potential? If you don’t think that you do, you will take little to no action, which will prove you have zero results to prove you’re awesome. Then you will feed that back and go, “See I told you I’m shit”. All you’ve got to do is swap up the belief so that the practice is that you have a choice. What are you going to do with your choice? What decisions do you need to make in your life? “I want to get on Instagram, I want to change jobs, I want to leave that relationship because I’m being abused or I’m not being respected”. You have a choice.
Then number two is courage. Courage is, you’re scared. Courage is you literally have skid marks of poo in your undies and you’re like, “Oh my goodness, let’s do it, let’s go”. Then number three is, create. It’s all about what action steps you’ll take. It’s like, you think Angela doesn’t doubt herself? You think I don’t doubt myself? You think we don’t have struggles and hardship through that? You go anyway. That’s where it comes from. You proving yourself.
Then number four is, evaluate. It’s all about evaluating what you did. How was it? Was it a good result? Was it a bad result? How did it go? I feel like there is no one person that is confident all the time. It’s like they’re in the dance, they’re in the practice, they’re going for it. They fall down. Boom, get up and continue.
Angela: How is confidence going to save and change the world?
Erika: It is everything. Let’s say you’re a woman, or you’re a mother, you are a person identifying as a woman, and you don’t believe in yourself. It impacts everything. It impacts who you get into a relationship with, what jobs you go for, whether you open your business, whether you stay in that abusive thing. It impacts if you let your mother’s bullshit get into your head and you don’t take action. It impacts how you raise your fucking kids, what you teach them. You think they’re listening? My son does not listen to me. He says “fuck” like I do. He does what I do. He’s not going to listen to what I say.
It’s going to impact the world if women don’t rise up. If we don’t stand in our power, reclaim it, what is the world coming to especially in the USA. I am beyond myself. Marianne Williamson is running for president. I’m like, “Please universe, can we just bless this woman with the win,” because can you imagine Ange?
Angela: It’s very important that every single person listening today understands the tone that I’m trying to set with this podcast, and that is that the status quo doesn’t serve us. It never has, and falling in line will never be the answer. Never. Accepting everything as it is, will never be the solution to every problem we have. If we cannot believe in ourselves there is absolutely no way that we will ever feel safe enough to exist in the world. There is no way we will ever heighten our standards and demand more.
That means that we will never fight for the economy and the respect that we deserve. It means that we will continue to be squashed by aggressive masculine and misogynistic hyper pornified, hyper angry culture that insists on squashing and killing us. It means that our sisters around the world who are suffering in under devolved war-torn conflict areas, different colors of skin, will never be supported or advocated for in the ways that they should. At the end of the day if a woman cannot live in a place of power she is doomed.
She is doomed to be used as the broom that continually picks up the shit of the world when her heart is used as the dustpan that collects the debris and the crumbs of everything that has gone wrong.
Erika: You are so beautiful.
Angela: I am not going to allow it and that’s why your work is important Erika because confidence turns that broom and that dustpan into the Dyson cyclone edition, top-shelf premium sucking action. It’s not even a negotiation it’s like, “Keep my house clean. Lick the stoop on which you sit. Brush through my rug. Make sure that you understand that the place you are stepping into is holy and deserves to be treated, kept and respected as such”. I’m not here to clean up your shit. I’m actually here to fuck shit up.
That’s why confidence is so key. Just five hundred years in the history of what it means in terms of patriarchal influence and in just five hundred or a thousand years, it can all come down to the ways the world that made us hate ourselves. We basically just sat back and watched while everything was set on fire. Every single one of you needs to be Khaleesi right now. Every single one of you.
Erika: I think about all the women that came before us and that they would have loved to have a platform like Instagram where they share. Yet here you are worrying about, “Does my hair look good? Do I have something in my teeth?” Worry about if you don’t do what you need to do, what is that going to cost you? What is it going to cost the world if you didn’t show up? What is it costing your children? What is it costing the planet? Like it kills me when women message me on Instagram in the quiet parts of their Internet and go, “I love what you do and I love your values. You’re so raw and real. I wish there were more people like that,” and I’m like, “You be that person!”
Angela: Confidence is showing up even if you think no one’s going to show up for you. Even Billie Eillish, she’s just a teenager and she’s shooting incredible things. She was talking about how her first show she was headlining first for somebody and she said there was one person watching her, and it was some old dude at the back of the room. She was singing to an empty room and she said that she was just so grateful at 14 years old to be able to just sing on a stage regardless of who was showing up, regardless of how scared she was, regardless of everything. Now, moving into a place where she’s 17 years old and selling out stadiums and crying on stage. The problem is that you cannot expect to create good in the world without the ability to show up and the showing up comes from confidently showing up even though no one might be there. Because you know what, when you do that you attract everybody who needs to hear your message.
Another thing Erika,, on the subject of confidence and why it has to be the revolutionary, visionary, philanthropists greatest weapon is that when you have a deep-seated sense of self and confidence nobody can take that away from you. Nobody can take away the dignity that lies in the ways you love and care.
Erika: You already have the world against you, already have the patriarchy, you already have the fact that you are this colored woman, and then you look in the mirror and you add to that. We all think that confidence is going to happen and then all of a sudden all your problems are gone, and now you feel fantastic. Confidence feels like shit most of the time. Before you get to where you want to get to your doubting yourself, your stomach hurts, you don’t know what you’re doing. I was talking to you about a TED talk that I want to do, and I have butterflies in my stomach. I don’t doubt that I can do it, but it makes me a bit scared. It’s another level of me. You just have to take action and you start getting some movement. You start getting a snowball effect and creating some consistency and the snowball is moving. Then all of a sudden it’s going really well, and you stop. In that gap, you start second-guessing your stuff. The longer the gap is where you’re not moving and doing something, the longer you start hating on yourself, questioning yourself, listening to the opinion of others. I’m like, fuck the gap. Keep going.
Angela: Erika, I’d like to ask you, for the people in the audience who are questioning or being challenged by the idea of confidence is, I’d really like for you to perhaps dispel the difference between arrogance and confidence. I know that many of the messages I get are often they are either perplexed as to how someone could live so fearlessly and confidently, or they’re actually challenged by confidence. They think I must be an arrogant asshole and my integrity must be compromised.
So how would you Erika, go in and dispel or perhaps demystify the difference between confidence and arrogance, and why confidence, and indulgence, and marriage of the ego is so critical to the person wanting to make big work in this world?
Erika: I would challenge the person saying this and I know because I see the comments, and people even say to me, “Oh Angela, I don’t know if I could follow her. I’m a little bit challenged by her”. It’s like great, why are you challenged? What is it about her? A lot of it has to do with judgment. I feel that people don’t judge because we’re assholes. I feel we judge because we were conditioned to hate. What if you were lied to? If someone told you that you being louder is too much, or that you need to be serving your husband barefoot and having a baby, or that you there’s no place for you to make money because he’s the provider. What if that was a lie and that your whole family and your religion bought into? Let’s pretend it was a lie. Who are you going to be?
People would rather believe the bullshit fucking lies and keep doing the same shit because they don’t want to prove themselves wrong. They want to say I was right, and they don’t like the unknown. Yet, the unknown is where all the fucking magic happens. What if you were wrong about that shit? I’m making more money than my husband and that has nothing to do with the size of his penis, or if he’s not a man, and I’m more masculine, he’s more feminine. He’s helping me do it too! We’re happy and excited for each other.
It’s all judgment.
Angela: You need to understand that if you find yourself really being challenged by confidence, versus arrogance and ego, really catch yourself on that judgment. Often it’s the thing we’ve judged ourselves for, and we judge others for and it’s coming directly from our own fear. The fear of stepping into the world confidently actually leads to you being very judgmental towards those of us who are brave enough to show up so confidently.
The other important thing here is to understand is that the stereotypes, the stigma, the ways that we keep women and people unsafe by perpetuating that it’s not safe to be confident because you won’t be loved you’ll be outcast and you’ll be judged is actually your responsibility.
So imagine for just a second here, if one of your kids grew up one day and they stepped out into the world with this confidence. How would you speak to your child who is stepping into a place of confidence? Would you encourage it? Would you judge them? Would you ask them to continue to play small? You would not. It’s really important that all of the things you wish for your children, are the same things that you wish for yourself.
If you want your kids and the people you love, to really create monumental work that changes, moves mountains, that allows them a real sense of purpose, that allows them a real sense of alignment, you best fucking believe that’s only going to come from confidence which means that you better be modeling that type of behavior right now.
Erika: I think there’s something huge about this too with parents out there. The thing that kills me is that I want to remind everybody that reality TV is the number one thing where adults are sitting at home going, “She’s the villain. I Don’t like her. She’s the good girl”. We are giving these people these archetypes. Then we wonder why our kids are bullying kids. Please, don’t watch that crap because that is dribbling into your home. As Maya Angelou says, gossip and drama and negativity gets into the wood, gets into the fucking threads of your clothes, and then your kids at school are doing exactly what they’re watching. They learn this shit from their parents.
Angela: That would be a beautiful way to close this off. Why is modeling confidence so important for the future of this planet? The ways we model confidence and self-love is going to really be consequential to the ways our kids model confidence. That will literally change the course of the world because confidence equals happiness. Confidence does not equal judgment and does not equal cruelty. Confidence is contagious. Confidence is the kind of thing that will keep the people around us striving for the best and asking the best for themselves too.
Erika, if you had one message about confidence and self-love that you would like to pass on to your children, what would it be?
Erika: I can’t finish this without mentioning giving a fuck what people think because to me that is the one thing that I feel like is so closely anchored to why people don’t have confidence, and why people literally push it away. They move away from confidence town because they’d rather live in this bubble of, “What will they think of me?” That’s more important. If we would rather live in What Would They Think Of Me Town, then you will never, ever be able to do the dance with confidence properly. You will never claim confidence. It will never come to you because that person who worries about what everybody else in the world may be thinking about them, they will never fully accept and love themselves. Then they’ll never give it to their children. They’ll never know what it feels like to wear the outfit of confidence and go, “You know what, I actually feel great about myself”. People will always have something to say about you whether it’s good or bad. You have zero control of other people. I have zero control over my children. They’re going to do what they do, and all we can do is control us, and we struggle enough to do that. All we can do is be the best for us.
People are going to love you, people are going to hate you. Let them be wrong about you. You don’t need to spend your whole life changing the opinion of others about you. Let your parents be wrong about you.
Angela: Can I get an Amen!
Erika: Let them be wrong about you. They don’t know who you are. You don’t even know who you. You are working that out. You think somebody knows more than you? No way. You are constantly changing and evolving.
So I would really look at how much does the opinion of other people affect you and to what extreme, what things have you not done because of that? Confidence is you accepting yourself as you are in every single moment and you being ok with it, and you showing up for yourself, and you keep going. If you could learn about letting go of that opinion, then you’ll be good enough for yourself all the time, because at least you’ll be doing better than you did yesterday for yourself.
Angela: Fuck what other people think because at the end of the day the only thing that matters is what you think about yourself.
Erika: Can I say one thing because this is hot right now, and I’m not hating on Brene Brown, but this thing she just did with Netflix where she says you should care about what some people think, I was yelling at the TV, “No, don’t do that Brene”.
Angela: I did the same thing.
Erika: You know why? Because guess what Angela, you love me, I’m your homegirl, you’re my homegirl, and if you one day decide you don’t love me, I can’t change me. If my husband decides he’s not happy with what I did, fuck it. If my kid doesn’t like what I did, fuck it. It’s not my job to make sure that my husband is happy with what I did, that’s my job.
Angela: It felt very strange for me is that when it comes to vulnerability, often you’ll notice that this kind of message will almost exclusively come from people in heteronormative, long term relationships who basically glorify the fact that compromise, loyalty, and commitment comes with having to negotiate on what people think of you sometimes. The truth is the only thing that I care about is if the people I love and my message is impacting the demographic, those people I care about, how they’re being positively impacted.
I don’t care about what they think about me. If you imagine that on average people have 60 years of living left and that we spend eighty-five percent of that working and only 15 percent of it to actually live, are you going to waste your time caring about what other people think, or are you going to care about how you’re going to show up in the world to change people’s lives starting with your own?
Erika: It’s a job that will never be done. Never. And this is what I love about you, that instead of worrying about that, I’m going to keep going. I’m going to just be a louder, bolder, stronger expression of myself.
I dropped my kids off today at childcare and I thought about you because I’m like, “This is the best thing I could do for them. I can show them that I love you so much that I need to not be with you, so I can change the world in my own way. So you can watch a woman doing her damn thing, so that when you go out there and you do your damn thing, you don’t give a shit about your partner, or that this person said you shouldn’t. I’m doing this in service of you, to be an example”.
Angela: The legacy is the ways that we model this behavior to our children, to our friends, to our loved ones, to our peers, and to our colleagues. At the end of the day they’re going to turn around and say, “Woah, that’s what I want to feel like. I want to feel fearless in everything and just back myself unequivocally”.
Erika: Society tries to flip it and make you have mom guilt and all that bullshit, but don’t indulge because you’re the one indulging in that ladies.
Angela: Exactly, and it exacerbates it.
If anybody wants to find out about you, work with you, and get in touch with you, how could they best go about doing so?
Erika: The Queen of Confidence on Instagram is where I live and hang out most of the time. The website, The Queen of Confidence, I have a podcast called The Confidence Chronicles Podcast and Miss Angela is going to be on that very soon. You can check that out there. I’ve got a YouTube the Confidence Chronicles. Hit me up on Instagram or on my website. Email me. I do sessions one on one limited with people from all over the world. We’ve got beautiful Zoom technology. If you’re in Australia and you’re in Melbourne, and your ass is not in the sisterhood, I don’t know what the hell you’re doing. It is our group where we unpack and do all this work as women and it’s so powerful to have a circle of women doing this work with you. Our goals are just to get every woman awakened to going, “Hey do you know how amazing and powerful you are as you are?” That’s it. It’s just that.
Angela: Erika, I want to thank you for being in a place of servitude to the world and to yourself, first and foremost, and how you really truly put your money where your mouth is, and be whoever it is you want to be moment to moment. You are breathing that confidence. How you are inspiring a league of women and people to do the same damn thing. Thank you so much for being on the show today.
Erika: Thank you for doing this. The world thanks you.
Angela: Thanks to everyone for tuning in. I know that you most definitely got as much from this as I did. If you enjoyed it, make sure to subscribe on the platform of your choice, leave a comment, share the love, and if you know anybody who is Slaying the Status Quo in fucking Style, send them my way for a potential feature.
If you have a body of work or mission, a message that has been founded on the basis of being the lone wolf and persisting in a state of conviction, and passion, and self belief, and ruffling feathers, and breaking the rules you and you know, getting down with your bad self, well I want to hear from you. Head on over to angelagallo.com or simply look below in the show notes and there’ll be a straight up link for you to get me your information and get the world your inspiration.